A comment by Stephen Colbert has me questioning how I’ve dealt with my near-death experience.
Trigger warning: This article contains emergency medical content that may be distressing to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.
In late 2019, during a conversation about grief, suffering, and loss, Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert shared some emotional moments and personal reflections.
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Cooper had recently lost his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, and also his father, Wyatt, to a heart attack when he was ten years old. Additionally, he lost his older brother, Carter, to suicide when they were both in their 20s.
Cooper referenced Colbert’s comment during their discussion with a previous interviewer, stating that he “learned to love the thing that I most wish had not happened.” Colbert refers to losing his father and two brothers in a plane crash when he was also ten years old.
What does this have to do with me?
Although I haven’t had to deal with the loss of a direct family member yet, something did happen to me in recent years that has caused a great deal of anger and resentment. I can safely say that it’s also the thing I wish most had not happened.
Please note that I have no memory of the partial story I’m about to tell you.
The event.
The year was 2020, and it was a typically cold day in early February. Details were fuzzy (literally), but I suddenly found myself lying down in a strange room. A person was standing over me, and as things became clearer, I realized it was a female nurse.
She quickly interrupted when I opened my mouth; “We’ve already gone over this. You’re in a hospital, Michael, and you survived a cardiac arrest.”
I can only imagine the shock and confusion as I wondered if I had just woken up.
“You came out of a coma yesterday, but ever since, you’ve been having issues with short-term memory. I’ve already explained everything to you multiple times, but you keep forgetting and repeating yourself.”
The ECG/EKG picture below is NOT a stock photo but an actual readout of my heart rhythm.
Captured on the night of Feb 4, 2020, it’s important to note where the waveform’s highest point is observed (below “Analysis 6”). This shows the exact moment the paramedics, while huddled over me on our front lawn, used a defibrillator to restore my sinus rhythm to normal range.
However, although the image below shows a normal heart rhythm on the right half of the printout, things went downhill soon after because I arrived at the hospital as a VSA (vital signs absent) patient.
Numerous crucial details led up to this unsettling moment that merits sharing. Perhaps you’d like to know what unfolded after my hospital arrival and beyond.
Please check out my more detailed article about this event here.
The Dark Side of Survival
I’ve detailed my story to many friends, family, and medical professionals. When others hear of a near-death experience, such as my cardiac arrest, they usually fixate on the dangers of the related physical health concerns, both during and after the event.
However, what they may not consider unless they’ve witnessed something similar is the effects these situations can have on our mental health. This is especially true for me, as I had already been battling clinically diagnosed depression and multiple anxiety disorders for decades.
To Make Matters Worse
Collapsing on my front lawn and emerging from a coma in a hospital many days later (a teaser of the version mentioned above of my story that I hope you’ll check out) doesn’t make things any easier for a person who is already rife with negative emotions.
Things became complicated when experiencing sensations in my chest post-event, and I felt many. I was hesitant to rush to the emergency room at the slightest hint of discomfort, yet I also recognized the risk of neglecting potential signs.
Colbert’s Comment Hit Me Hard.
When I heard Colbert’s previously mentioned comment, my heart fluttered (pun intended), and my eyes began to water. I immediately realized that I had spent my last three years focusing primarily on feeling angry and resentful toward what had happened to me.
But the idea of loving that I had a cardiac arrest? Are you kidding me!?
Strangely, as I wiped tears away while contemplating how negative I had been, I felt a sudden but intense moment of happiness from experiencing a sense of hope rush in.
I was confused, though, because, on one hand, I had come extremely close to death and suffered in many physical and emotional ways because of it. However, if Colbert, a person who experienced something extremely saddening, found a way to love that it happened, perhaps I could do so as well.
To clarify, Colbert also told Cooper, “I don’t want it to have happened. I want it not to have happened.” But he maintained that he was better off being grateful for his life, as it’s a positive thing to do.
He went on to explain that he and his mom were alone a lot after their passing, and by her example, she was not bitter. “Broken, yes, but not bitter.”
He maintains that “it’s a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering.” From how I’ve interpreted his and his mother’s words, while rooted in their religious faith, they were able to find solace, in part because accepting that suffering is a mandatory part of being alive.
I also did not want to have a massive cardiac arrest.
But ever since hearing Colbert’s words, along with the help of my psychologist, of course, I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to flip the script of my life.
Do I sometimes slip back into the dark side? Yes, but using tools learned through decades of suffering, I work hard to avoid staying there too long.
Reframing My Perspective
Colbert’s words have encouraged me to confront my negativity and seek solace amid adversity. His notion of not wanting an event to occur yet finding acceptance and even love for its impact sparked a profound shift in my mindset.
While I may never fully embrace my cardiac arrest, I’m actively working on finding purpose in extracting positivity and resilience from the experience.
Prioritizing Health and Wellness
One significant outcome of my ordeal has been a renewed commitment to holistic well-being. For example, more recently, I’ve aimed to embrace healthier dietary habits with the assistance of a dietician.
It’s amazing how subtle changes in how and what you eat can significantly impact overall physical and mental health.
An active lifestyle has also become paramount, as I aim for at least 60 minutes each day through cardio and lifting weights in my home gym.
I also try and play pick-up hockey once a week, but my favorite form of exercise is playing ‘prison rules’ tennis with a bunch of ‘good dudes’ (a fun version of tennis some friends of mine have included me in recent years).
In addition, I have learned many positive sleep habits that have empowered me to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience, energy, and focus. I can’t stress enough just how important quality sleep is.
Cultivating Mental Resilience
Addressing cognitive distortions and prioritizing mental health has been instrumental in my journey toward recovery, especially when I catch myself engaging in catastrophizing.
Meditation, especially mindfulness, has helped me create space, quiet my racing mind, and regulate my emotions. Sometimes, I must remember to practice, but jumping back in takes little effort. Even sparing 5 minutes is well worth the effort.
Embracing Hope
Stephen Colbert’s sentiments have been a guiding beacon, revealing the silver linings within life’s challenges. His conversation with Anderson Cooper has reminded us that growth often emerges from adversity.
His words inspire resilience, urging us to find the positive amidst the chaos, fostering personal development and strength in the face of hardship.
Heartfelt Appreciation
I’m deeply thankful for the steadfast support provided by my medical team and mental health professionals during this challenging journey. Their expertise has played a pivotal role in my path to recovery.
My beloved wife, Monica, stands out among those I wish to express gratitude to. Without her swift response in administering CPR during the cardiac arrest, I likely would not be here today.
Furthermore, her unwavering patience in navigating through my difficulties over the years is truly remarkable and deserving of admiration.
Moving Forward
As I continue to navigate life post-cardiac arrest, in sharing my life experiences with you, my readers, my goal is that we may find strength in adversity and embrace the transformative power of hope.
In Conclusion
While I am not ready to say that I fully embrace Colbert’s notion that I have ‘learned to love the thing that I wish most had not happened,’ I am, at the least, driven by the possibility of a brighter future due to favorable changes because of it.
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Until next time!
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